Getting Beyond the Wedding

I love my wife. She is amazing! She loves me regardless of what I do. Admittedly, since we got married, we don’t spend that much time together, but she doesn’t seem to mind too much. I know she would like me to spend more time with her, but I am a busy guy with a lot of things in life I want to do. I think she understands that and, besides, I tell her often how much I love her. And I tell others, too. She’s right there with me on my Facebook profile, and I sing her praises often to friends and strangers alike.

I confess sometimes I really screw up. I do things that I know she neither likes nor approves, but she is always willing to forgive me, so I don’t worry about it too much. Besides, she realized when we got married that she was not marrying a perfect guy. All in all, I think my relationship with my wife is great. I am so glad I found her. It’s a wonderful life!

So if you have made it this far without laughing at the ridiculousness of the description of my marriage or filled with disgust, PLEASE do not go into marriage counseling! What I am really describing is not my marriage, but the relationship many Christians have with their Lord and with which they seem very content.

Among the population with which I work—college students—I see this a lot, but it is a widespread occurrence across the span of our culture. A one-way relationship. I marry God, but it is really a one-way commitment. He gets to do all the forgiving and blessing; I get to do basically anything I want. Communication is not really that important except when I need something or just feel like communicating. I understand He has certain expectations, but because He loves me unconditionally, which means He understands I am not perfect, my behavior really is of no consequence. What a wonderful life! All the benefits with few, if any, responsibilities.

Of course, this is really not true. First of all, no relationship can thrive and grow with this dynamic. No one in their right mind would want to be the one from which everything is expected and nothing received in return. If it is a marriage, there will be a divorce. If it is a romantic relationship, it will likely (or should) end. If it is a friendship, it will not endure. Very few people will tolerate such a relationship for long.

Secondly, it may appear the person giving nothing to the relationship but getting a lot is making out pretty good. I can imagine people of a certain perspective would love a relationship where they were always loved and doted on regardless of their behavior. But that perspective is a shallow one and fails to understand the richness of intimacy.

Those who have had intimate relationships know they do not come without commitment and sacrifice. But they also have experienced the joy of knowing and being known, of giving and receiving without obligation or guilt, of forgiving and being forgiven without fear of rejection. Those who are in intimate relationships continue to add layer upon layer of substance to an already existing foundation. What they build on continues to get deeper and deeper.

Finally, intimate relationships are transforming relationships. Both people are transformed by being in the relationship. Because there is trust and transparency, a space to grow and change is created. I am not the same man that I was before I married my wife. I have changed and definitely for the better! She has helped me to see myself from a different point of view. Because of our commitment and intimacy, I am able to recognize more of my flaws and shortcomings and am more motivated to change them. I am different, but not as different as I will be in five or ten years. My transformation will continue as our relationship deepens.

What I fail to understand is how the Church has gotten to the point that we condone and even encourage a shallow relationship with God. So many Christians I have met think the most important aspect of their relationship with the Lord is the wedding day. They remember it with great fondness and love to talk about it. But like many couples, the wedding is the highlight of the relationship.

I know pastors that do pre-marital counseling and most of it is dedicated to details of the wedding. Of course, the wedding will last all of 45 minutes and the marriage, well, that depends on the couple. I also know that much of the Church is focused on getting people saved, but spends little time on helping people develop the disciplines that lead to an intimate relationship with the Lord. And, sadly, I don’t necessarily sense any dissatisfaction with that.

I love to talk about my wedding, but honestly, if that were to be the highlight of the relationship, I would be miserable. It remains a wonderful memory, but it is far overshadowed by my ongoing relationship with my wife. If only we could begin to see our relationship with God in the same light.