Kid Idol

There was a story in USA Today last week about parents who are snapping up internet domain names for their babies. It seems parents are concerned about establishing an Internet identity for future use. This story struck me, not so much because of what it covered, but rather as more evidence for the trend of children taking center stage of parents’ lives. And it is the stage I am worried about.

They are increasingly on stage from the moment they are born. They are photographed continually and their pictures are published on websites and blogs explicitly devoted to them. Videos of them are posted on YouTube. As they grow, their parents seek to provide a myriad of organized activities to stimulate their thinking and to provide them with opportunities to assess their abilities and interests in different activities. They begin very early with an eye toward university education and strategize the best means by which they can assure their children get opportunities to enroll at the best schools, often hovering over their kids and teachers to make sure they are going to get a good return on their financial and emotional investment. And they get lots of stuff. Parents demonstrate their love for their children by providing them with lots of things.

Now I am sure there are parents reading this who are offended. But let me say it is not any of these things in particular that is of concern to me, but the cumulative effect of kids always being on center stage and catered to that has me worried. As a campus minister, I am seeing the results in increasingly self-centered and self-absorbed college students.

It used to be we would see this mostly in child television and movie stars. They would grow up and be in the headlines because of their behavior. But now, I am afraid we are unintentionally creating child stars, and the effects as they become adults are similar.

Most of us would conclude, I think, the main reason many celebrities end up living self-serving and self-absorbed lives is because they have people fondling all over them, treating them as special people because of their fame. They come to expect the attention and believe they are special.

Now, if we basically give “star” treatment to our children, should we not expect the same? Growing up being the “star” of the family, a child will naturally assume the world should revolve around him because it always has.

I think this began in the ‘70’s with the self-esteem movement. As the rebellion of the 1960’s diminished the value of rules and discipline, many of those educated at that time embraced the need to raise kids with less rules and more encouragement. This eventually led to the development of an educational philosophy weighted heavily towards promoting self-esteem. And as I was educated in counseling in the late 70’s and 80’s, one of the primary problems was seen to be low self-esteem. This naturally led to strategies to raise the self-esteem as children.

And as we progressed through the first decade of the New Millennium, we are now beginning to see the fallout of these efforts. The intentions were no doubt sincere and noble, but the result is we are creating a society afflicted with narcissism. And with what is happening with children today, I think we are just seeing the tip of the proverbial iceberg. By putting them on the center stage of our lives, we are communicating to them they are the most special and most important beings on the planet. More special and more important than any other child. More special and more important than Mom and Dad’s marriage and lives.

Of course, to their parents, children are very important and special, and they should know that. But, they are not any more special than any other child or adult. And that is what we are failing to communicate by all the attention we lavish on our kids. They misinterpret it. In their minds, they are kid idols, feted and adored by those around them, deserving of all their hearts’ desires.

As Christians, this is not the mindset we want our children to have and to take into adulthood. The world does not revolve around them; it revolves around God and He is to be the center of the universe. And our Lord Jesus said He came into the world not to be served, but to serve. We are to teach our children to have the hearts of servants, not of those who believe they are stars and deserve to be served.

Our culture is indeed going the way of the Kid Idol and if Christian parents do not pay attention, they, too, will raise their own kid idols who expect to be served throughout their lives.

Getting Beyond the Wedding

I love my wife. She is amazing! She loves me regardless of what I do. Admittedly, since we got married, we don’t spend that much time together, but she doesn’t seem to mind too much. I know she would like me to spend more time with her, but I am a busy guy with a lot of things in life I want to do. I think she understands that and, besides, I tell her often how much I love her. And I tell others, too. She’s right there with me on my Facebook profile, and I sing her praises often to friends and strangers alike.

I confess sometimes I really screw up. I do things that I know she neither likes nor approves, but she is always willing to forgive me, so I don’t worry about it too much. Besides, she realized when we got married that she was not marrying a perfect guy. All in all, I think my relationship with my wife is great. I am so glad I found her. It’s a wonderful life!

So if you have made it this far without laughing at the ridiculousness of the description of my marriage or filled with disgust, PLEASE do not go into marriage counseling! What I am really describing is not my marriage, but the relationship many Christians have with their Lord and with which they seem very content.

Among the population with which I work—college students—I see this a lot, but it is a widespread occurrence across the span of our culture. A one-way relationship. I marry God, but it is really a one-way commitment. He gets to do all the forgiving and blessing; I get to do basically anything I want. Communication is not really that important except when I need something or just feel like communicating. I understand He has certain expectations, but because He loves me unconditionally, which means He understands I am not perfect, my behavior really is of no consequence. What a wonderful life! All the benefits with few, if any, responsibilities.

Of course, this is really not true. First of all, no relationship can thrive and grow with this dynamic. No one in their right mind would want to be the one from which everything is expected and nothing received in return. If it is a marriage, there will be a divorce. If it is a romantic relationship, it will likely (or should) end. If it is a friendship, it will not endure. Very few people will tolerate such a relationship for long.

Secondly, it may appear the person giving nothing to the relationship but getting a lot is making out pretty good. I can imagine people of a certain perspective would love a relationship where they were always loved and doted on regardless of their behavior. But that perspective is a shallow one and fails to understand the richness of intimacy.

Those who have had intimate relationships know they do not come without commitment and sacrifice. But they also have experienced the joy of knowing and being known, of giving and receiving without obligation or guilt, of forgiving and being forgiven without fear of rejection. Those who are in intimate relationships continue to add layer upon layer of substance to an already existing foundation. What they build on continues to get deeper and deeper.

Finally, intimate relationships are transforming relationships. Both people are transformed by being in the relationship. Because there is trust and transparency, a space to grow and change is created. I am not the same man that I was before I married my wife. I have changed and definitely for the better! She has helped me to see myself from a different point of view. Because of our commitment and intimacy, I am able to recognize more of my flaws and shortcomings and am more motivated to change them. I am different, but not as different as I will be in five or ten years. My transformation will continue as our relationship deepens.

What I fail to understand is how the Church has gotten to the point that we condone and even encourage a shallow relationship with God. So many Christians I have met think the most important aspect of their relationship with the Lord is the wedding day. They remember it with great fondness and love to talk about it. But like many couples, the wedding is the highlight of the relationship.

I know pastors that do pre-marital counseling and most of it is dedicated to details of the wedding. Of course, the wedding will last all of 45 minutes and the marriage, well, that depends on the couple. I also know that much of the Church is focused on getting people saved, but spends little time on helping people develop the disciplines that lead to an intimate relationship with the Lord. And, sadly, I don’t necessarily sense any dissatisfaction with that.

I love to talk about my wedding, but honestly, if that were to be the highlight of the relationship, I would be miserable. It remains a wonderful memory, but it is far overshadowed by my ongoing relationship with my wife. If only we could begin to see our relationship with God in the same light.